found something to write about: "no longer human" by osamu dazai.

lately i've felt some sort of existential angst. maybe it's the weather, the sun setting so early.

i've felt this sort of way since starting my job, but it has slowly built itself to be more noticeable.

i looked for stories of people slowly losing their mind. i wanted to hear of others feeling a disconnection of themselves to the world.

in dazai's story, yozo, for his entire life, feels a complete disconnect from himself and other human beings.

yozo constantly runs away from his fears and dives deeper and deeper into addiction and distraction.

lately, i've attempted to stop distracting myself with media, and face the world proper. live life.

maybe i feel this way because i'm reducing the distraction between myself and reality.

someone wrote that getting through life is distracting yourself with the unimportant until you die.

maybe that's true? what exactly is important? i guess that's what philosophy is.

"no longer human" is what it's like to make the wrong choices, to run away from everything, to fail at living.

although i feel like i don't understand the point of living in this reality, i feel like i do a good job of it.

i think i have some success in human relationships. sometimes i feel like running away from others, hiding in my shell, but i still make the effort to connect.

then again, i do relate in some ways to yozo's distance from others. i feel a need to exist primarily as myself, by myself.

i see others co-existing in relationships with another person, sharing their intimate life with them, living as close as possible with them.

in relationships like that, do they still keep a part of themselves hidden?

i feel in-tune with that hidden part of myself. i think that part is the real me. the silent, solitary part.

this part of myself wants something. knowledge? understanding of itself? undertanding of being?

i feel a kind of satisfaction after joyful interactions with others; love from companionship with other humans.

then again, every instance of extended interaction leads me to run back to my shell.

the understanding of being that i'm looking for, i feel like reading "no longer human" hasn't shown me what it is.

what it has shown me is another person suffering from this question, which does make me feel seen.

first day working on ultima weapon.

this is cool as fuck.

Saw TRON:ARES in IMAX at the movies last week. Next time I'll post a photo of the theater.

The plot was eh. Any visuals of the lightcycle, the suits, the digital world were sick as hell though.

The soundtrack was cool as fuck. I love shouty music. This was my intro to Nine Inch Nails.

Since watching TRON:ARES, I watched the first TRON(1982) and TRON Legacy (2010), both which blow ARES out of the water with both likeable characters and a better view of the digital world.

I wish ARES was a better movie, though I expect some people to defend it in the future. If it was better maybe we'd get more TRON.

Speaking of which, TRON (the best character) isn't even IN ARES.

Then again, ARES sort of plays a similar role of a digital warrior protector hero.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

looked cool, sounded cool, lamer than the first two, was still TRON so cool as fuck.